Having a constant fear of looking stupid or being wrong about something is hard. I’ve sunk to extreme lows to avoid making myself look like a fool in front of other people and I know I’m not the only one.
Anxiety disorders could be caused by many things: abusive parents, neglect, abuse, major emotional or physical trauma, even just repetitive stress or your own body.
Here seems like a good place to point out that I’m not categorising anxiety as a fear of looking stupid, or embarrassing yourself. This video from Mind, the mental heath charity, is a very useful explanation of anxiety if you need help understanding the condition.
No two instances of anxiety are the same, which means that no two treatments are the same. I’ve been taking Sertraline Hydrochloride, an antidepressant in the selective serotonin re-uptake inhibitor family, for almost a year and a half now and the thought of coming off my medication terrifies me.
The average time spent on meds is just six months.
I’m tired of the counselling services offered by the NHS. I’m tired of cognitive behaviour therapy and I’m tired of ignoring the problem and hoping it goes away. It’s time to take responsibility for my health and own my psychological wellbeing.
Until now I’ve been using medication as the sole treatment for my nerves which hasn’t shown fantastic results. If I miss a dose I can end up confined to bed or too nervous to function properly which makes my medication a crutch rather than a cure.
One of my biggest fears is that people will judge me if I say or do something they don’t expect, or think I’m wrong or ‘faking it’ which is stupid.
I am valid and I deserve to have a voice.
Over the next 52 weeks I will be doing something new every week to prove that it’s okay to not be perfect. I’ll find some strange and spectacular things to try and attempt to come to terms with being afraid.
People say hope is stronger than fear and I’ve never believed them, but maybe now would be a good time to start.
Welcome to my 52 ways to fail.